It’s all good.

This has happened a couple of times over the past couple of weeks. So why not write about it? Oh, I think I will!
So I’m driving home late in the evening. The traffic is a ‘doable nightmare’…I’ve been in worse. By the time I get on the country road that my home is located on, traffic thins considerably, and I can drive like a semi-maniac. After all, I’ve got my comfortable lounging clothes, my favorite blanket, and an ice cold coke always waiting for me. And my dog. But a couple of times lately I’ve been getting stuck behind some guy turtling along…sssooooo sssllllloooowww…and, of course, there is just enough oncoming traffic to where I can’t pass him up. This guy adds about ten minutes to my drive home. Hmmm….maybe not, but it sure seems that way. He drives a Jeep. And he’s got Michigan plates. My very first thought was…it this guy totally lost?
I’ve had the displeasure of getting stuck behind this guy several times now while driving home. When I see a Jeep now I sorta cringe inside and make it my business to get far away from it. I’ve also seen this same vehicle around town during my weekend shopping excursions (can’t miss the MI plates). So. Either for some totally insane reason he decided to move down here (sheesh) and ‘forgot’ to change his plates over to Louisiana ones (this I can understand because of the wallet raid my state does when ‘ferigners’ move in) or this guy is on an extended vacation down here (scratching my head on that one, too) and STILL has not figured out his way on our back country roads.
Either way…when I’m driving home after a loooonnng day at work…if I see that Jeep with the MI plates and I can’t pass him…….sigh….time for deep breaths and prayers. Working myself up does no good. But yelling in my truck at him sure relieves some pent-up stress. I may get him a local map for Christmas, since I seem to bump into him so often……

Mad crowds and Mannheim Steamroller

I have spent an outrageous amount of money over the past two days. That, the mad crowds at the mall, and Mannheim Steamroller tell me it’s that special time of year again.
(For clarification: Mannheim Steamroller is a musical group that plays fabulous Christmas music. Their CD’s are a requirement at my home during Christmastime. In fact, my kids refuse to begin decorating the tree if MH is not playing on the home theatre system. My secret satisfaction: I have planted one of many family traditions that I know will be carried on. Ashley refuses to put her Christmas tree up until I either burn her some copies of my CD’s or she buys some new ones.)
At least I only put 90 bucks on my credit card. And that happened only because I ran out of checks and the debit card was at home (odd, I know, but it happens on occasion.) The rest was in cash. I’ve got Christmas just about taken care of for this year. And we are still in November. Unfrakkingbelievable! I’ve only got a couple of things left to get, which I will next payday, which still leaves me some change (and another payday) before Christmas. Wow.
It seems like I’ve been shopping since 10 am yesterday morning. Middle daughter and I went yesterday and tore up the stores. We had a blast. Actually, the crowds weren’t that bad. Either that, or I’m learning incredible patience. I was so content shopping and enjoying this special time with my 16 year-old. Maybe I just forgot to notice any unbecoming behaviour from my fellow shoppers.
Today my youngest daughter and I tore up the stores (and nearly melted my debit card). We started with Sunday morning services at TBC. This was the second time she attended with me. My heart was light and joyful watching her take in something that is so different from a Roman Catholic mass. (Youngest daughter is still an alter server.)
I know something got through to her, though, because we actually talked about the message after services. We had a good conversation about it…I know she was listening. Dennis was not there today, so John did the message, and he did a great job. The theme has been ‘being a friend’-which is just as relevant to me at 42 as it is to Mandy who is 13 going through the trials and tribulations of middle school. Personally, I think middle school was probably the roughest time socially in my life. Everyone is always trying to be someone else and no one likes who they are. Nothing but teenage angst and heartache. And pimples.
As I relax this evening and look forward to yet another week of work that I so enjoy, I also reflect on how unexpectedly wonderful this Thanksgiving weekend has been for me. The peace and joy that has softly wrapped itself around my family has been a welcome respite from the war we seem to have been in for too long.
I write again tonight with a peaceful and content heart. God had done some really wonderful things in my life lately. The glory and credit belong soley to Him…I just happen to be a lucky recipient. My heart sometimes feels as it will burst from all of the love I feel for Him.
Thank you, my Lord, for Your continued patience with Your brat child Riccie. All of my love, always.

Not my will but Thy will be done.

Learning Curve

My Lord has seen fit lately to bless me with the opportunity to spend lots of time with eldest daughter and Matt, and I have been taking full advantage of that.
I still have trouble understanding when I’m supposed to be a mom and when I’m supposed to just step back and listen (isn’t that still being a mom?). It is my instinct to immediately fix and resolve all problems for my kids, even though I know that is impossible. So to be on the safe side, I normally keep my mouth shut (gee… that IS a first!) when Ashley is going on and on about what is troubling her in her life at the moment.
Of course, being a young single mother with only a high school education and living in an area that is not exactly teaming with ‘middle class’ job opportunities…her greatest concern is money and the lack of it. She talks about how fully stocked my fridge usually is, how nice it is to own a washer and dryer, the freedom of simply having your own vehicle so you can come and go as you please (she tasted that one for a short time) and paying your car insurance on time.
This is just a sample of her ramblings. I just sit there and listen. I did remind her that I’ve had a twenty year head start on her, and that all of the ‘things’ I have did not magically appear overnight. Tom and I worked our butts off.
Finally she made a comment that I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut. One of her biggest concerns is running out of baby wipes for Matt. Oh my goodness. I had to say something. I told her, look. That would not be the end of the world. If you run out of baby wipes, then wet a paper towel and use that. If you don’t have paper towels, wet a washrag and use that. If you don’t have a washrag, it’s time to give him a bath. (I know she has a bathtub in her apartment…I’ve seen it!). The look on her face after my little rant was priceless. I realized it had never occurred to her that there are always options when you don’t have every thing you want. And let’s face, for all those out there who are mothers, baby wipes are a want and a nice convenience, not a need. My daughter, who tested off the charts always while in school, who never took a book home to study and still kept the A average, who went through gifted classes, my brilliant, book-smart daughter, is dumb as a rock when it comes to street smarts and real life situtations. I guess the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.
There is hope for her, though. She is actually listening to me now. There is hope for me, too. I’ve learned to step way back. I guess my job right now is to simply listen, and, as painful as it is at times, watch her fall. And help her back up, but only if she requests the assistance.
Matt is as cute as all get out, and growing like a weed. I’ll get a picture or two of him and post it as soon as I can.

Not my will, but Thy will be done.

Life’s Moments

So I finally make my way out of the store toting my shopping bags, fishing for my keys, and trying to remember where I parked. I had a general idea…I was positive I had at least exited the store on the correct side of the parking lot. My first shot at Christmas shopping this year was semi-successful. It reminded me why I like Amazon.com so much. I found my truck and began pressing the ‘unlock’ button on my keychain. And I press. And I press. Nothing happens. My running board lights are not even lighting up. It took me a few more tries before I could comprehend that my truck was not unlocking…it wasn’t doing anything. About three years ago I had some sort of electrical problem with it…along with a few factory recalls. The electrical problem was bad enough that I could not unlock it from the key chain. I had to manually punch in the numbers on the door. When I was inconvenienced enough I finally brought it to the shop to have it fixed, along with the recalls. It was still under warranty. They kept it overnight and gave me a rental. The Taurus was nice, but it wasn’t my truck. I felt like my rear end was dragging the road when I drove it. So these memories are flashing through my head when it begin to sink in that the ‘unlock’ button wasn’t functioning. My frustration grew. I dropped the shopping bags on the pavement and threw a left punch onto the driver’s side window. I didn’t use all of my force, which isn’t much anyway, it was more of an act of exasperation. My cell phone was dead. I had been enjoying the ‘disconnection’ from the world. Now I’m going through my list of options and how I was going to get in touch with someone. No way in Sam Hill could I remember what the code was to punch into the door. They’d changed it when the previous electrical problem was fixed, and so help me if my life had depended on it I could not remember what it was. Hey, between my personal life and work, I’ve got a crapload and a half of ‘passwords’ and ‘codes’ stuffed into my tiny brain. No possible way can I remember a code some service guy gave me in passing over three years ago. Puhleeze. (And yes. I have a master list of my ‘passwords’ in a top secret location. I have to. Or I’d always be locked out of my accounts. Even Blogger.)
Anyway. I turned around and leaned up against the door. My overriding thought was…sheesh…got this SOB paid off, and nothing but irritating problems ever since. Yep. This is one of the rare times in my adult life that I am not making car payments. I think the last time that happened was sometime in the early nineties…I’ve been making car payments ever since I was 18 years old. I’ve driven more new vehicles off the lot that I can remember… maybe I should look at getting something new…keep thinking no car payments, Riccie… none of this babbling nonsense going through my head was helping my frustration.
Then it hit me. I actually started focusing on what I was looking at rather than what I was thinking about. Hmmm…there was a familiar looking white Ford Expedition parked three slots down on the next row. Naw…I couldn’t have…I picked up my keychain and pressed the alarm key…and that truck parked three slots down on the next row started going off like a rowdy Christmas tree. Oh crap.
I turned around and looked into the truck I was leaning against. Yep. Looked just like mine. But no Extra Winterfresh gum or pair of sunglasses on the center console. I reached down and grabbed my shopping bags, making a quick run for the right truck, and hoping like hell the owner of that other Expedition did not see my foolishness.

Beautiful Sunday Mornings

The only people who like change are wet babies.

–Dennis Malcolm


Leave it to my pastor to concentrate into one sentence the last two years of my life. Dennis, you rock. And so did this morning’s service.
Thank You, my Lord, for leading me to this wonderful group of people called Trinity Bible Church.

Yes, Indeed

Ok.  Haven’t figured out how to post pictures here yet.  I’ve got a picture of Vincent D’Onofrio…and was doing a little fantasizing.  Ohhh yeahh……

Rockin’ to the rhythm of the rain…

I was unceremoniously bounced out of bed at four am this morning with one muther of a sinus headache. I saw stars when I opened my eyes, even though it was still completely dark in my room. I then realized all of the commotion my ears were picking up on…were not normal ‘good morning’ noises’. Sheesh, for a few minutes I really thought Hell had descended upon my little corner of the world here. To say that it was raining would be like saying the Atlantic Ocean is a small pond. Yes. It was raining. It was frakking storming…I thought my roof was going to peel off! I’ve been through several hurricanes, and I still maintain that the passage of a cold front is far more intense. Of course, the thing about hurricanes is that they take FOREVER to pass through…whereas a cold front is usually done in a couple of hours. The wind is still howling outside as I type this. I stumbled out of bed with my head feeling like a brick beach ball and got to the computer to check current weather conditions. Yep. We were under tornado watch (that makes me nervous) for the better part of the morning. The rain was coming in sideways. I really thought during a few tense moments that my house was going to come apart. Scary stuff. Especially when you are dealing with the sinuses from hell.
But I got through it. And it won’t be the last front to come through this year. Now I am dealing with temps in the low 40’s and a kickin wind chill. I went to work with normal business attire and a blue jean jacket. My jacket is cute. I like it. It does NOTHING to keep me warm. It just looks cute. And my gloves, which I am never without when the weather turns cold my gloves are still packed away in my winter stuff. My hands do not cooperate when the temp drops below 70. Don’t know why. My hands have always been rather weak, and when it gets cold, they hurt. So I keep a good pair of Isotoner gloves handy when the weather gets this way.
Walking out of my front door this morning, I misjudged my handle on the door, and because of the strong north wind, that door slammed right back on to me and cracked me on my head but good. It still ‘feels good’. I tell ya, I sure hope that knocked some much needed sense into my brain. (One can only hope!)
Work continues to go well. I am so humbled by it…I just never thought I could be in this position. I am so happy with my work….so very happy. I absolutely love what I am doing and the possibilities that lie ahead for me to take advantage of. Had a meeting with upper management today. He advised me to keep doing what I am doing, and to let them know which direction I wanted to go in because the field is wide open. I feel like a kid in a candy store. Is this what it is like when you are doing work that you so totally love it just doesn’t feel like work…more like play? Could it be that I have actually hit my niche…my stride…whatever it is called? Don’t know the PC term….just know that, for my career life right now, I cannot ask for anything better. Thank You Sweet Jesus.
Well, the personal life does need some work. But what the hay. Can’t have everything. I figure that by the time I get my professional life and personal life in synch…well, that will be about the time they’re going to plant me six feet under.
Meanwhile…I preserve…mistakes and all…

Mirror Check

I woke up this morning with a serious case of the ‘don’t wants’. I didn’t even want to get my rear end out of bed…but I did.
And I took out some of my frustration out on my blog. Writing it out has proven to be quite helpful to me.
I even thought seriously about not going to work. Hell, I drove up into the parking lot and pulled out my cell phone, seriously considering calling in. With me right there in the parking lot.
But I didn’t.
I hauled myself to my desk in a sour and crappy mood. Outwardly I smiled and greeted my friends, but inside the chaotic feelings going on were about to make me nuts.
As I began my day, I realized I would get nothing done if I continued on that destructive path. So I forced myself to think about services yesterday. I love my church. I love the people there, and the natural high I get every Sunday when I go.
The more I concentrated on services yesterday, the better I felt.
Until I was really happy that I’d gotten my sorry butt out of my truck and at my desk, where I belonged. The day got better and better.
Oh, sure, it was a typical Monday with all of the typical problems. Some not so typical. But I met them head on. Even had a few unusual twists thrown my way, but I handled it. Even my ‘fabulous’ co-worker did not work a single one of my nerves. Nope. I had already done that myself. And I am quite good at it, too.
So when I got home I took a good look in the mirror. And reminded myself that I am a child of God, and He knows my heart. He knows me intimately…how I will react to things, what I am thinking, what I am capable of…all of my weaknesses and strengths.
And the more I looked in the mirror, the more I realized I’d chastised myself quite enough. My previous entry has been working on me for a bit…I guess I just got to the point where I had to write it out just to relieve some of this emotional pressure.
And guess what. I am not perfect, nor am I anywhere near it. I make mistakes. Some of them are silly and avoidable, some of them are when I think I am doing the right thing…and I’m not. Beating myself up emotionally over and over again does absolutely no good…all it does it depress my mood and emotions and sets me up for ‘failure’ thinking.
There have been so many changes in my life over the past year and a half. I suppose sometimes I just need to hold on and catch my breath over them…but I forget that. I want things to go perfect and smoothly…no problems at all.
I suppose my only chance of that happening would be when I get to heaven. And as much as I look forward to going there, I’m hoping first to get a lot more out of life before I leave.
And so the bullwhip on my emotions has been put down. Yes, I will have to remind myself to keep it down, and be nice to myself. What happened…happened. Really, I supposed he should be the upset one…because…nothing happened. His…uhmm…body part wouldn’t cooperate. I suppose that is a big thing for men, but he didn’t seem to phased about it. His attitude was one of ‘well, whatever.’ Ok. Lesson learned.
I understand where I went wrong. I understand he’s got a ‘friend’. I have a ‘friend’, although it is strictly platonic. Can’t say the same about his.
What does it matter?
The intense, raw emotional feelings from a marriage gone sour, especially one that has held together as long as mine has…well…it just takes a little more time than I thought to sort out. And yes, mistakes will be made along the way. As I write this tonight I have to say I honestly don’t know if I am doing the right thing anymore. I don’t know. The only thing I am absolutely positive about is that I love my work and I’m good at it. I don’t want to give it up.
But if salvaging this marriage means I must give up something I truly love…I don’t know. Two weeks ago I would have answered that in a heart beat.
At the moment I’m not so sure.
Sacrificing my small bit of indivuality for the good of keeping a marriage together…a marriage that has had tremendous ups and downs…
So I keep going back to the key question: the make or break question: Do I still love him?
And that answer, no matter how hard I try to convince myself otherwise…remains no. I must be completely honest about that. Is there a sexual attraction? Hell yes. This guy knows me intimately, and knows exactly how to turn my key. Do I like him? Sometimes. He was my very best friend long before we made the jump to lovers. (Years.)
I just can’t see a future. We are now in November. We agreed at the beginning of the year to give 2006 to our marriage, and if we still could not ‘get it together’, well, then, it’s time for us to get lawyers.
I’ve read my bible. And re-read it. I know the stand Jesus Christ has on marriage.
This is one of the roughest decisions I have ever had to make. And it is plain in my writings how I struggle back and forth with it. Honestly, I’m not trying to be a pain in the rear…it’s just that this is so high stakes…I have to be posititve.
One thing is for certain. I have regained my peace within my heart. I realize today if I concentrated hard enough on the Services I enjoy attending on Sunday, and if I really concentrate on being a child of God, then…well…who cares what else can go wrong. I’ve got the right stuff in my corner.
Thank You so very much for the meager life You have allowed me. I will continue to do my best for You. All of my love, and then some…Riccie
PS
Not my will, but Thy will be done.

Mission Failure

…and he had her exactly where he wanted her…
She’d agreed to go on a date with him. Why not?
It wasn’t like they had never dated before. They have years and years of experience with each other. A date, if anything, should have enhanced the fragile friendship they’d seem to have found lately.
The service was excellent. The food was great. The conversation did not include a single veiled insult about their issues. They kept it light and fun. Walking around the local stores afterward was even more fun as they discussed Christmas and potential gifts for family members.
Then he took her home.
A goodnight kiss didn’t seem like such a bad idea at the time…just a natural extention of what had been a pleasant evening.
A simple, quick, sweet goodnight kiss.
Which led to a hug.
Which led to another kiss.
Which led to a deeper kiss.
Which led to inviting him in for a few moments.
Which led to even more deep kissing.
After the front door was closed, he reached into his front pocket and pulled out his wedding ring. “You know, this thing still fits my finger.”
Totally surprised, she really didn’t know how to answer that one. He slipped it back into his pocket when she didn’t respond.
And he hugged her again.
And kissed her again.
And they ended up in bed.
And she was willing. And waiting. And wanting.
And he had her exactly where he wanted her.
And he could do…nothing. Zero. Mission failure.
When she realized this, she felt dirty. Filthy. She shouldn’t have let things go this far anyway. He kept reminding her of their vows, and that it would be ok.
But it wasn’t.
Because he couldn’t. 
And she shouldn’t have.
She is such a failure.

Humor from my Email

THE PERFECT WALMART GREETER

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.The Wal-Mart Greeter says, “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart …. Nice children you’ve got there – are they twins?”
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, “Hell no they ain’t, the oldest one, he’s 9 and the younger one, she’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins?…….. Do you really think they look alike?”
“No,” replies the greeter, “I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice!”

…and…

A BIT OF BOUDREAUX HUMOR

Boudreaux came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, “You died in ya sleep, Boudreaux.” Boudreaux was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!” St. Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back – as a chicken.” Boudreaux was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, eh? How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Boudreaux the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna splode!”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?”
“Hell no,” said Boudreaux.
“Well, just relax and let it happen.”
Boudreaux did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Boudreaux was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Boudreaux! Wake up! You done shit in da bed!”