Sunday evening disjointed thoughts
OK. I’m dealing with depression again and it is affecting my ability to write and it is beginning to seriously affect my life. I simply don’t have the desire to pour out a bunch of negative nasty thoughts and throw them on such a public forum anymore. It is becoming more and more difficult for me to ‘get up and go’…to even think…I’m being deluged with suicidal thoughts. I’ve done lots of research on this subject. I realize, sadly, that some of us just don’t win the battle and give up. I don’t want to be one of those statistics…but I worry too much that one day I will be. I’ve been to this party enough times, and I realize when I need to throw in the towel. Tomorrow morning I’m calling my other doc and, if need be, hauling myself in. I’ve got to have something to help me control this depression. The alternative is not appealing to me.
We are full swing in the Lenten season, and this has always been a particularly rough time of year for me. Even though I am no longer a practicing Catholic the Lenten practices are thrown in my face nearly every day. I now eat whatever I want on Fridays (let me rephrase…whatever my tummy will tolerate…) and I don’t look for things to feel guilty about. But the season is what it is…how does the old saying go? The mind forgets yet the body remembers… How does one change that?
Focus. Focus.
Dennis was outstanding today. I will be adding today’s message to my growing collection. My thoughts, as Dennis was delivering his message, were of ‘God’s Safety-net’. God knows exactly what I need to hear and and when I need to hear it. Like today. In ‘The Lesson of the Wine Master’…Dennis’ new series. A quote he gave us: ‘Now, with God’s help, I shall become myself.’ —Soren Kierkegaard
Kim chewed my ass today, and I have to say it was deserved. Let me explain. I had to work Saturday, so I was unable to go to her competition. Actually, because of my work, I’ve not been to a single winterguard competition this year. Saturday…this coming weekend…is the big winter show at Comeaux. I’ve got a three day weekend…Monday off instead of Friday. Kim has recruited me to work…wherever I am needed. I couldn’t convince her that I wasn’t up to it…that I just want to ball up inside myself and pretend the rest of the world doesn’t exist…but somehow she didn’t get the message. She volunteered my services for two hours on Saturday. I don’t even have the strength to be upset with her. I hope I have the strength to do it. Yesterday competition ended halfway through in complete disaster. One of the girls had a grand mal epileptic seizure and another girl had a serious asthma attack. The first words out of my mouth: Kim! Did you have your inhaler with you?! Yes, mom, and I used it, too. I’m fine.
Silly me. I should have asked about the young girls first. But I am a mom. Comeaux’s 2007 Winter Guard show ended with an ambulance on each side of the gym and all available moms and counselors trying to calm down the team. Fraking thing about it. I was at work and knew nothing about this until late last night. Kim was distraught. ‘Mom, I tried so hard to be a leader and help my girls…but this was just too much…’ We had to keep an eye on her breathing as well. Kim had never witnessed a grand mal seizure. It is a disturbing thing to see. She’s still having a little trouble with it.
Which is why when this morning came around, I debated with myself as to whether or not to wake her up for Sunday services. She insisted during the week that she wanted to go. But it was 10:15 am and she was still fast asleep…have just gotten to sleep a few hours ago. So I made a mom decision and decided to leave her be…and went to church buy myself. Just as well. Dennis pulled a few tears out of me. Didn’t really want to explain to Kim how rotten my insides are feeling at the moment.
So when I got done with services I went home. The estranged went to his home town for the weekend, so I felt comfortable being home for the time being. Kim ripped me a new one. Why didn’t I wake her up?! She really wanted to go to Church and listen to Dennis this morning! MOM!
I actually started crying. Didn’t mean to. But I did. I made a wrong decision…thought I would let her rest after the drama of last night…but she really wanted to come back to church. And because of me she missed out.
So I invited her to the new members meeting late this afternoon, and she accepted. She was happy to go with me!
We get there and Dennis has chocolate chip cookies, among other goodies, and Kim made a bee line to those goodies. I learned a lot more about Trinity Bible Church and what it stands for, where they want to go…etc, etc…all very interesting stuff…if my mind and emotions weren’t stuck in tar right now….but the key point I want to get across here…is that Kimberly listened. Kimberly listened! Dennis did a little demonstration with three volunteers on how Jesus Christ of Nazareth bridges the gap between God and us. I got it. Further more, Kim got it.
We had to pick up a few things at the store after the class, and Kim and I had a thoughtful, intense discussion over Jesus Christ, God, Dennis Malcolm, the Sacraments, Father Vu, and Ms Debbie, who, by the way, retired as Director Religious Education for St Anne’s last month…she finally had enough.
Not my will, but Thy will be done.
My poor little retched life, all of my weakness, all of my loneliness, my despair, my hopelessness, my sadness, my mistakes, my stupidity, my arrogance, my depression…I nail them to the cross…and will humbly go to ask for help in the morning…
Figuring it out
Me and Komando with my truck in the background. I’m playing with some old pictures…this one was taken this past summer. I’m learning how to post photos on this blog 
