Exploring Me

I’m in a strange mood this morning…actually, it started yesterday afternoon.
If I had to put a label on it…I would say…I’m angry. Deep, cold, pure anger. I’m trying to sort out why. I’ve given writing it out a shot…a couple of times…and I keep coming up empty.
Yesterday a dear friend told me that her mother has been given six months max. Her mother has bone cancer. I’ve been a shoulder for my friend to lean on during the chemo and all doctor and hospital crap she’s been going through since they found out. I feel so helpless when it comes to dealing with her.
I knew something was terribly wrong when I saw her yesterday. I also knew it was best to let her be, and that she would tell me in her own time what she needed to tell me. We talked about general bs…things that seem so unimportant right now, but things she needed to talk about. I suppose she was looking for a little normalcy in her life- that I completely understand. When she broke down and finally told me she burst out crying, almost uncontrollably. I had no idea what to say or do. So I just held her and cried with her. There is nothing I can say or do to fix this…and it is my natural tendency to want to ‘fix’ the problem.
Her brother is flying in on Monday. She’s worried about that, about her financial situation, about her mother being in pain, about her 8 year old son, about her ex-husband who is being a jerk, about what she is going to do without her mother. Hospice has come in and is making her mother as comfortable as possible.
“I just don’t have the strength to watch my mother die, Riccie.”
What does one say to this?
I told her that the time she has right now is a gift from God, and to use it as best as she could. Even it it means just sitting with her mother and saying nothing at all. I’m thinking about that right now and…boy…was that the right thing to say? I have no idea. When we parted last night I gave her a big hug and told her I’ve got big shoulders for her whenever she needs them. She thanked me. And we just stood there, in silence, with me wishing like hell I could offer her more comfort.
My friend is a converted Jew. She has a deep love for Jesus Christ…and I have a deep respect for her and her beliefs. What a radical change! Right now, though, she is angry and hurting…doesn’t know where to turn. I’m at a loss as to how to deal with her. My heart hurts for her…the only thing I can really do is be there for her. That’s really it.
I made her smile when I told her I washed my cell phone again. She told me she was going to put a warning label on me…to keep cell phones away. I showed her my new one and her first question was…Did you add insurance this time? Yes, ma’am, I did. Good thing, Riccie. It seems like every time you get paid lately you’re buying a new cell phone. We laughed a bit about my dumbness…but it was an empty, sorta forced laugh. The kind of laugh you do when you are distracted but still want to be polite.
My friend has a really, really tough road ahead of her. She doesn’t have to walk it alone, though. I will be there for her…if for nothing else, to give her someone to lean on when she needs it…and when she doesn’t.
Something else I’m realizing. Focusing on others…really focusing on them…goes a long way to pulling myself out of my crap. I helped a friend move a table over the weekend. She was out shopping and found what she thought was a really good deal. She bought it on the spot…and then realized the itty bitty car she drives would never tote that furniture to her house. I was the first person she called. I’ll be honest. My ‘normal’ reaction to a call like that would be to tell you to go to hell in a nice way…how dare you attempt to pull me out of this funk I’m in…I like my funk…I’m used to it and don’t really know how to act otherwise…
Frakked up thinking, isn’t it?
Forgiving my abuser was merely the first step. Keeping my head out of my ass is the really difficult part. I backslide, lay on the ground for a little while, then get up and keep walking. How long I want to keep myself on the ground is really up to me. It’s so damn difficult to get up sometimes. But I’m not the only one. I’m dealing with ghosts from my past. My friend is going through Hell in living color right in front of me. I must find and maintain my inner strength for her to lean on…I must.

Not my will, but Thy will be done.
All of my love,
Riccie