Exploring My Christian Faith

Ok, so it’s been a while…

riccie — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 13:50:37 +0000

Hmmm….seems like more friends are migrating here…I’m glad I didn’t let this blog go! When I’m more awake I think I’m going to re-look at this blog, maybe tweak it up and use it again…hmmmm…

Pondering

riccie — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 03:38:28 +0000

What is the color
Of a shattered winter morning
When realization sets in?
Where is the comfort
Of my warm winter blanket
Always taken for granted?
How will I remove
The inexplicable confusion
From the face in the mirror?
When will I feel
The comfort of a hug
Without the echo of a threat?
Why do I question
My worth and my being
Though I give You my heart and my soul?

Exploring Me

riccie — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 12:47:31 +0000

I’m in a strange mood this morning…actually, it started yesterday afternoon.
If I had to put a label on it…I would say…I’m angry. Deep, cold, pure anger. I’m trying to sort out why. I’ve given writing it out a shot…a couple of times…and I keep coming up empty.
Yesterday a dear friend told me that her mother has been given six months max. Her mother has bone cancer. I’ve been a shoulder for my friend to lean on during the chemo and all doctor and hospital crap she’s been going through since they found out. I feel so helpless when it comes to dealing with her.
I knew something was terribly wrong when I saw her yesterday. I also knew it was best to let her be, and that she would tell me in her own time what she needed to tell me. We talked about general bs…things that seem so unimportant right now, but things she needed to talk about. I suppose she was looking for a little normalcy in her life- that I completely understand. When she broke down and finally told me she burst out crying, almost uncontrollably. I had no idea what to say or do. So I just held her and cried with her. There is nothing I can say or do to fix this…and it is my natural tendency to want to ‘fix’ the problem.
Her brother is flying in on Monday. She’s worried about that, about her financial situation, about her mother being in pain, about her 8 year old son, about her ex-husband who is being a jerk, about what she is going to do without her mother. Hospice has come in and is making her mother as comfortable as possible.
“I just don’t have the strength to watch my mother die, Riccie.”
What does one say to this?
I told her that the time she has right now is a gift from God, and to use it as best as she could. Even it it means just sitting with her mother and saying nothing at all. I’m thinking about that right now and…boy…was that the right thing to say? I have no idea. When we parted last night I gave her a big hug and told her I’ve got big shoulders for her whenever she needs them. She thanked me. And we just stood there, in silence, with me wishing like hell I could offer her more comfort.
My friend is a converted Jew. She has a deep love for Jesus Christ…and I have a deep respect for her and her beliefs. What a radical change! Right now, though, she is angry and hurting…doesn’t know where to turn. I’m at a loss as to how to deal with her. My heart hurts for her…the only thing I can really do is be there for her. That’s really it.
I made her smile when I told her I washed my cell phone again. She told me she was going to put a warning label on me…to keep cell phones away. I showed her my new one and her first question was…Did you add insurance this time? Yes, ma’am, I did. Good thing, Riccie. It seems like every time you get paid lately you’re buying a new cell phone. We laughed a bit about my dumbness…but it was an empty, sorta forced laugh. The kind of laugh you do when you are distracted but still want to be polite.
My friend has a really, really tough road ahead of her. She doesn’t have to walk it alone, though. I will be there for her…if for nothing else, to give her someone to lean on when she needs it…and when she doesn’t.
Something else I’m realizing. Focusing on others…really focusing on them…goes a long way to pulling myself out of my crap. I helped a friend move a table over the weekend. She was out shopping and found what she thought was a really good deal. She bought it on the spot…and then realized the itty bitty car she drives would never tote that furniture to her house. I was the first person she called. I’ll be honest. My ‘normal’ reaction to a call like that would be to tell you to go to hell in a nice way…how dare you attempt to pull me out of this funk I’m in…I like my funk…I’m used to it and don’t really know how to act otherwise…
Frakked up thinking, isn’t it?
Forgiving my abuser was merely the first step. Keeping my head out of my ass is the really difficult part. I backslide, lay on the ground for a little while, then get up and keep walking. How long I want to keep myself on the ground is really up to me. It’s so damn difficult to get up sometimes. But I’m not the only one. I’m dealing with ghosts from my past. My friend is going through Hell in living color right in front of me. I must find and maintain my inner strength for her to lean on…I must.

Not my will, but Thy will be done.
All of my love,
Riccie

Yep. It really happened…

riccie — Tue, 13 Mar 2007 13:23:33 +0000

Woke up a bit ago…and I’m processing whether or not yesterday really happened.
And I’m looking at my new toys. Got a new air card in my laptop. Playing with in online right now. Thinking about the conversation I had with the store manager yesterday…
Yep. It really happened.
Who would have ever thought in a million years. Something I’ve done that is so incredibly stupid…washing ANOTHER cell phone…would lead to a job offer?
Sheesh.
I mean, really.
Double Sheesh!
I’ve got to pull myself out of this damn depression. It’s one of those three steps forward and two steps backwards processes for me.
But I’m pushing forward.
Slowly.

Kids these days…

riccie — Tue, 13 Mar 2007 13:19:45 +0000

WE CAN HANDLE 39 INCHES OF WOOD.

CAN YOU?

Ok. This is what Catalyst has chosen for their ‘motto’. It’s going on a tee shirt, and since I’m still a guard mom I’m getting one. OMG. I don’t think I’ll ever wear it! Ash swears she’s going to make me wear it in Ohio. Uhhh…maybe at the competition…with another tee shirt over it…and a jacket! I don’t know. I must be getting old. Hey. At least Mandy is not on the drumline yet. Want to hear their motto this year? Sheesh…

WE BANG HARD!

Lord, help me please.

Not my will but Thy will be done.

All of my love,

Riccie

UNFRAKKINBELIEVEABLE

riccie — Tue, 13 Mar 2007 02:13:32 +0000

WASHING MACHINE: 2

RICCIE : 0

How else can I write about this but to come straight out and just write about it?!
So I get a three day weekend. I don’t remember the last time I had one. I’ve played, rested, written, gone to class, enjoyed Church, read, unplugged…and…did a load of laundry this morning. A normal thing. I was so proud of myself because I actually did a load BEFORE the basket was overflowing and I had to go on a supersearch for a clean pair of jeans.
I thought I was feeling better this morning.
I decided a nice leisurely soak was in order.
So I did just that. Complete with all the smell-good stuff I’ve restocked on lately. For no one else but me.
And then.
I pull my jeans out of the washer.
Pair by pair.
And.
At the bottom of the washing machine.
All nice
and pretty
and clean
and soaked
was my brand new cell phone.
Lovely.
That’s only the beginning. I looked at the damn thing for a good while, trying to decide if I was going to laugh at myself or strangle myself. Memories of going to class last night and stuffing my phone in the pocket of my blue jeans flashed through my tiny brain. I finally let out an irritated roar and slammed the washer door down.
What to do? What to do? I’ve just gone through this song and dance with my company. I’ve used my exception upgrade on a phone I really didn’t want to get twice. I don’t have the bucks to shell out for a new phone.
Problem solver-solve thy problem.
I had just unwittingly become one of my own customers. What the frak to do?
Today I bounced around between two companies. It’s amazing, because I work for a Fortune 50 company…and I got an up close and personal view of what my customers go through when something similar happens to them. First off, I take full responsibility for my stupidity. I’ve dragged around a cell phone since the early nineties. I’ve never, ever had anything happen to any of them. ANY of them! And this year, in the past thirty days or so, I’ve washed not one…but TWO of the frakin SOB’s in the washing machine.
This is embarrassing to write but I must give kudos where they are due. Our major competitor treated me like royalty. Hell yes, I explored all of my options. ALL of them.
So here’s how it went down.
Their store was first on my list this morning. I was on a fishing expedition; just wanted to see what the line would pull up. In less than ten minutes I had four people talking to me, including the store manager. Very, very knowledgeable and helpful. I told them my situation, minus where I worked. I never let on where I worked. I got an offer on a PDA that really made me think, along with a complete explanation of all the services and charges (I already knew this part…it’s my job to know the competition.)
Armed with this information, I visited my guys next. What I got was a new understanding of my customers. The first cor store I went to was a complete waste of my time. They wouldn’t even talk to me about options…simply told me to shell out 600 and some-odd bucks or break contract. WHAT?! I was never asked for my phone number or any personal information so they could identify me…these guys had no idea who they were talking to or how long I’ve been a customer. Now that sounded like I think I’m some sort of big-shot. I don’t think that way at all. It’s just that if you call me with a problem the very first thing I’m going to ask you is your number so I can get an idea of who I am dealing with and what I can do for you. Makes sense, right? Evidently I’m the only one who thinks that way. The two stores I went to let me go without so much as asking my name. In a mild flare up of irritation, I told the last salesperson point blank…’It would be far cheaper for me to break contract and go with (our competitor)’! She didn’t even bat an eye. And no, I didn’t start the conversation this way…nor did I want to end it this way. It took a while to get there. Sheesh!
The offer for the PDA stayed on my mind. So this afternoon I went back to the store. By now I’m developing a stress headache. Which can turn into a migraine at any time. The store manager was still there. He actually remembered my name. SHOCK. We talked again for a good while. I told him I was still in contract with ‘the other guys’. He threw in an air card for free. And let me know broadband access would be in my town by the end of March.
Which is more, much more than I can say for my guys. We’re dropping the ball here.
I finally told him where I work.
He smiled. How do you like your job? he asks me.
I love my job, I tell him.
Come work for me, he tells me.
I laughed a bit. Yeah, right.
I’m serious, he tells me. I can really use someone like you. Do you have a resume?
Uh…I’m not in the habit of carrying one…no…
He gives me a business card. Get your resume to me.
WHAT?
I walked out of that store a hour later with a really nice PDA, a free air card, and my wallet still intact. It’s going to be cheaper for me to break contract. And I’m still working for my company. Although…I’m giving it some serious thought. It’s nice to feel wanted.
My boss and I are going to have one helluva chat tomorrow.
Can my company still fix this? You bet they can. But I have my doubts. And, in the meantime, I’m enjoying the hell out of playing with these new ‘toys’.
Crap like this only happens to me. What an interesting life I lead. (Uh…yeah.)

Continue on

riccie — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 14:38:34 +0000

I wasn’t going to write this morning.
Then I decided. What the frak. When I stop writing…that’s it. So here I am. I was just looking over some of the crap I have in edit. Sheesh. I can sure depress the hell out of my own self.
But that’s okay, too. It’s one of my ways of ‘getting it out’. I thank God that He has given me the ability to do so.
This morning is really nice…the sun is out and it is very comfortable outside. I can hear the birds singing as I write. Spring is on its way. I noticed the patches of clover scattered about on the ground. You know, the patches with the white flowers that grow in them…when I was a kid I used to pick those flowers, twist them together, and make chains out of them. I remember making necklaces, crowns, bracelets, all sorts of odd things. Once I made a necklace for my grandmother and brought it to her. I was so proud of it. She took one look at it and told me to throw it away…she thought it was garbage. I remember being crushed, and going back outside to make even more necklaces and crowns for myself. I’d stick those flowers all over my hair, too. Too bad she had such a sour attitude. Sometimes I feel sorry for her in that she never gave herself the opportunity to appreciate the really simple things in life…flowers in the clover…one of God’s gifts to us mere humans. Growing up around that I always told myself that I would find time to appreciate such things. Of course, life in the fast lane gets in the way sometimes and I forget to do so. Then I see or hear something which triggers a memory, and I step back for a moment, and remember why I am here, and what is really important.
We’re gearing up for a road trip up north. I am so looking forward to it. Ash is even more excited than I am. Brian, sweetie, I have visited your great state before, but unfortunately that is not where we are going. I appreciate your kind invitation, and believe it or not one of these days I will pop on over there to meet you and your lovely wife…after all…we are nearly ‘neighbors’ But this trip is taking us up to Ohio. Should be interesting.
I am looking forward to being on the open road again. It’s been a long time since I’ve done that…and this trip will give me plenty of time to remember why I don’t do road trips too often anymore…but it will be fun! I look forward to bopping around with my camera…looking for interesting shots. Now won’t I just look so touristy?! Hey. When you get a Cajun from the ‘swampland’ to travel above I-10…even if it’s just to Carencro…ya got her to go ‘up north’! (For those not familiar with the area, Carencro is just above I10…a running joke down here in Bayou Country.)
Fortunately for me I did more than my share of traveling around states during my younger years. Although I’ve never been to Ohio, the traveling bit won’t be new to me. My truck is ready, my insides are shaping up, and my attitude has…already started the trip, I think!

Not my will, but Thy will be done.
All of my love,
Riccie

How to mortify Riccie

riccie — Thu, 08 Mar 2007 14:33:44 +0000

I’m going to write this. Because I have to. So just bear with me.
I deal mostly with the ‘problem children’ at work. It’s my job to figure out how to solve their problem and make them happy again. I don’t always succeed…some people are never satisfied…but then again…sometimes this happens:
Yesterday afternoon I got a really sweet older customer who was terribly frustrated (extremely p.o.’d). He was spitting fire when he got a hold of me. I listened carefully to what he was saying and realized his problems were actually very simple to fix. I patiently calmed him down and walked him through several things he didn’t understand. I clarified a few points for him, and stayed with him until I was sure he got it. One of the things was as simple as adding a contact to his address book. Simply enough for most people, but for him it had developed into a huge, frustrating problem because he didn’t understand how to do it.
He’s one of my success cases. By the time we were done, which only took about ten minutes or so, he was singing my praises and asking me out to dinner. This kind of stuff embarrasses me…my viewpoint is that I am simply doing my job; it’s what I get paid for. I didn’t tell him that, though. I simply thanked him and asked if I could assist him in any other way.
I shouldn’t have asked that.
Because then he asked for my boss. Who just so happened to be three desks away from me. (Ever wonder if the stars are aligned just right?) He insisted on speaking to my boss, and I’m wondering if something went wrong…usually that’s when someone wants to speak to a ‘higher up’, but he seemed so pleasant and insisted to speak with my boss right now. So I grab Bill, gave him the short version of the call, and Bill grabs a headset to talk to the customer. I am still listening in. And this guy starts in, telling Bill how wonderfully patient I was with him, how no one had ever taken the time to explain things so clearly to him, how much of an asset I am to my company, that I needed a huge raise, and that Bill must hire a bunch more people like me.
I wanted to melt right through the floor.
Bill is looking me straight in the eye as this guy is singing my praises. I know I’m as red as a beet, and Bill knows how uncomfortable this makes me. So he eggs the guy on. I wanted to rip the phone out and yell, this is my job! It’s what I’m paid to do! Bill assured the customer that he knew what an asset I was, and yes, he will pass on this commendation to his higher ups, and how he was going to make sure I stayed happy and on his team. Bill assured the customer how happy he was with me. Finally. FINALLY this guy got off the phone.
I apologized to Bill, telling him I thought it would be a quick one or two sentence…didn’t realize the guy was going to go into a five minute love-fest speech over me.
Bill just smiled at me. Which in itself is scary. You have to understand. Bill is retired military. His facial expression never changes…no matter what kind of news he is given. I’ll bet he’s an excellent poker player.
As I sat back at my desk I realized that was the second time I got Bill to smile. The first time was when I called his bluff at our first meeting. Hmm…..
Does it end there? Nooooooo……
Bill went back to his desk, wrote out nearly everything this customer said…and emailed it to EVERYONE…including the top dog.
I. Wanted. To. Die.
After which, Bill pulled me off the floor for about an hour, and talked to me about my work, my progress, things I can work on, and how extremely pleased he is with me and how he wants me to remain on his team.
It is so difficult for me to ‘do’ compliments. I accepted them as graciously as I possibly could, but Bill knew this was embarrassing for me.
This was difficult to write. Part of me is hoping I only did a half-assed job. But I needed to write it down. I am good at what I do. There. I’m not trying to be arrogant or a big shot. It’s just the truth. I enjoy the hell out of my job. And I work with some awesome people. And that is the case even when my insides are falling apart.
Now. I’ve done it.

Not my will, but Thy will be done.
All of my love,
Riccie

(((Brian)))

riccie — Thu, 08 Mar 2007 05:40:10 +0000

Brian, you have absolutely touched my heart. Your response made me cry! (A good thing.) Thank you.

Actually, if I may, I wish to thank all of my online friends. I’m afraid to list everyone because I may miss someone and I don’t want that, so please accept my blanket statement. You guys are fantastic…I really mean this with all of my heart.

Not my will, but Thy will be done.

Lessons from a nutball

riccie — Wed, 07 Mar 2007 14:54:05 +0000

I’ve been dragging my butt at work lately but still trying to hang on. It’s times like these that I really fold into myself and try my best to act as if nothing is wrong…although I’ve had a few comments from some of my co-workers. It seems I’m not my ‘normal bubbly self’ these days…what’s up? In my opinion, I’ve never been normal nor have I ever been anything close to ‘bubbly’. What do they see in me? Curious. Sometimes I really wish I could step outside of myself and look at me through my friends’ eyes. I’m not sure if I would be terribly shocked in a good way…or in a bad way. It would be interesting, though.
Yesterday a customer got a hold of me…and boy…let me tell you. I was totally unprepared for her, and my reaction to her. If I said she nailed my ass to the wall…that would be sorta incorrect. It’s more like…she pushed my whole body completely through the wall…or, maybe, a couple of walls. Good grief, already. She was…something else. In an odd way, she also inspired me. She was of Mexican heritage (a large part of my customer base is) and while speaking with me she flipped back and forth between English and Spanish. My Spanish is rudimentary at best. I understand some very basics, and, of course, some of the curse words (who doesn’t?). She did everything but drop the ‘f bomb’, which, at that point I would have disconnected.
Looking back, it’s amazing the abuse I tolerated on that call. I listened to her for a good thirty minutes, spilling her bile, calling me and my company just about every name in the book, and telling me that I personally was responsible for everything that ever went wrong in this world including original sin.
Wow.
Her problem? She went to one of the local stores to get an air card. She wanted access to the internet. She was upset because we requested a deposit. Well, that happens if you get disconnected for non-pay eight out of the last twelve months. I have a lot of latitude when it comes to matters like this…but, even this was out of my control. Then she started telling me about the air card. Boy, she got the wrong rep for that…I own an air card. I know exactly how it works. She thought it was just an accessory you pick up…like a car charger…which makes me scratch me head…uhhh…ya think ya gonna get access to the net for free?! I started wondering if she even had a laptop as we got further into the conversation. This woman, I’m sure, couldn’t find her ass with a map and a flashlight.
After ten minutes or so of her bitching, we got to the root of her problem. She’s disabled, she can’t use her right hand. And because of that, she was expecting a boatload of freebies from my company. She demanded that I list out every single discount we offered. Folks, I can’t do that, it’s too numerous, and it’s why we have a special website just for that. And no, we don’t offer discounts just for people with disabilities. Look. I don’t mean to sound harsh, because I have a big heart when it comes to stuff like that. What really tees me off are the few that bitch and bellyache and want everything handed over to them for free simply because of a disability. Those people make it difficult for the rest, who truly need assistance, to get it. This woman already had several cell phones in her name and could not keep up with paying the bill as it is. What in the hell made her think that we would hand over an air card…so she can rack up even more charges?! I so wanted to tell her to dump her service and spend her money where it was needed…food and medicine. She was calling from a land line so I know she had phone service. I also hold this unpopular stance: owning a cell phone or an air card is a privilege, not a right. Today’s society would have you believe that everyone has to have a cell phone, but it’s just not the case. Anyone who gets one has to go through a credit screening, and, yes, for an air card, too. You have to be able show that you can pay for the service, or, if we’re willing to take a chance on you, you have to pay for a deposit. If your credit stinks, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been with us, your credit stinks.
Anyway, I listened to this terribly unhappy, screaming person until she ended up hanging up on me a good thirty minutes later when she finally got that I wasn’t going to budge. Halfway during the call I felt my mood lifting. As she was ranting I was thinking about how what type of person she was personally…maybe she really is a great person, maybe a lot of things happened to her today and having a deposit requested for an air card was just the last straw for her, and I happened to be in the right place at the right time for her to go off on.
No matter. She taught me a lesson. I’m fighting with depression here. She gave me a close up view of how I don’t want to come across to people. I am not my normal self when depression sets in, as, I’m sure…I hope, she was not her normal self during that call. Does my heart go out to her? Yes, it does. I’m sure she has to deal with things everyday that I simply take for granted…something as simple as typing this post would probably be extremely difficult for her.
And that humbles me. I am so blessed in so many ways…it could be a lot worse…after she hung up I sent up a quick prayer to my Lord…thanking Him for His patience with me as I work to get this depression under control.
Thank you, my dear customer. You will never know how much good you did me by abusing my ears for about a half hour. I wish you the best, sweetie. And I am being completely sincere.

Not my will, but Thy will be done.
All of my love,
Riccie